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hidin_n_the_shadows
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Location: Berlin, Germany
Gender: Female
Interests: soccer, poetry, lindsay, guys, friends, music, fucked up people, pizza, mexican food, hot tubs, and IM
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
AIM:  greenrubberband2
Member Since:
10/25/2005
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| My past is still haunting me,
Oh how i wish it could just leave me be.
i long for the days of cartoons and playing hide-n-go-seek,
now all i am is a girl who is so incredibly weak.
I desperately need someone to save me from the mess Ive become.
or at least for heavens sake pass me that damn bottle of rum.
Why do i push away the people who really care about me,
and i cling to the ones who don't care what i long to be.
Why do i make people think that I'm confident and have no fears
when really I'm just scared and at night my eyes are full of tears.
I'm haunted by my secrets and demons from the past
i always thought by now these feelings would of passed.
I've given up on shaking these feelings and thoughts,
And I'm tired of listening to the lessons being taught.
Nothings going to change the way i feel tonight,
And nothing is going to be able to make me feel alright.
So can someone please pass that bottle of rum,
Because tonight i just want to be completely numb...
so pretty much i was just in the mood to write and thats what came out. i dont know if its any good but ya. i wonder why all my writing is so dark. its either dark or its about love. its kinda weird, or at least to me. lol. i have a doctor's appt in the morning, apparently im ADHD and i have a learning Disablitiy, so i have to go to my doctor and get prescribed medications. oh how i love medication. not. and then wed i have to go back to another doctor for my ankle. i wish i would of never fucked it up in the first place. i miss soccer so much. i fought so hard for my place. i went thru hell for my sport. and in one damn moment it was all gone. i have such a void in my life from it. nothing fills it. i dont feel like an athlete anymore. and i cant even step on a field bc im not what i was. it sucks.
also, why are relationships so complicated. im so confused right now. i guess the girl im with doesnt feel like you have to see who you are with nor do you have to talk to them. thats strange to me. when i like someone, i mean really like someone, i want to spend time with them, i want to talk to them, i want to learn about them, get to know them, etc. she isnt like that i guess. because ill sit here and be like well damn she hasnt talked to me in a day she must not be feeling this anymore. then she will call me and invite me to dinner and everything will be good. i dont understand that.
idk, i guess im tired, moody, sick, and god knows what else right now. tell me what you think about the poem. and have a great night everyone..
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| i always forget i have this thing. its crazy looking back and reading everything. ive changed so much in the past four years since i got this. yepp oct 15 will be the four year mark since i figured out i was gay. i had no idea i would end up where i am. i have had heart ache and heart break and even broken some hearts along the way. ive made some amazing friends as well. im now 20 and i go to UNT. i have a new girl friend of about a week. so far its going really good, our only problem is that we are both busy and dont get to spend alot of time together. but i really like her and she is cool. she is 23 and gorgeous. so hopefully everything will go well. my grandparents are the only ones who still know im gay. im working on comming back out to my brother but i wont tell my rents till i graduate college. anyways i hope everyone is doing well and ill try and get on here more now. ***i am who i am and thats all ill ever be*** | | |
| so wow i completely forgot about having this. well here is a long overdue update on myself. im not 18. i am on a soccer scholarship at the University of Texas at El Paso. which means i am 9 hours from home. im def out at college so its nice. i have had a g/f for almost a year and four months on the 5th. we are in a long distance relationship but we are making it work pretty good. she is my heart. i love her with all my heart and i fully intend on marrying her. my parents dodnt know. and im not telling them till htey finish helping me with school and such. life is pretty good right now. i am extremely happy. i am finally able to be myself. and that is a nice nice thing. | | |
| ok so i finally can update this thing. right now im in florida at a soccer tourny we won 5-2 today. it was badass. i think i tore some girls ACL tho..
but yea ok me n lindsay are great! i love her sooo much. shes my longest realitionship ever. my parents are still competely agaisnt it. so is my brother..thats the hardest part. i told my cousin over chrsitmas and she was cool with it. and ive told alot of my friends and everyone is cool. i have some really amazing friends. it helps havin ppl who love you no matter what and accept it and everything. it also helps wiht all you guys who understand.
im really happy finally really happy. lindsay means everything to me. i love her more than anything. but yea im down in the loby and i really should get up to bed since its like 12.14 and all. umm leave comments if you want till like friday b/c then i leave and wont have xanga anymore.
p.s. thanks for all the emails. i love you guys! | | |
| ok well i can like never get on here but i most def need all of ya'lls support b/c im goin thru hell right now. pppllleeaaassse email me!! my email address is
addicted2you@muchomail.com
itd really help if ya'll did
thanks guys. | | |
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